NEW YORK – As a result of alarming findings by the National Security Agency, the terror alert level has been raised to a very bright green. Monitoring the nation’s text messages as per usual, the NSA uncovered an imminent threat in the form of hundreds of thousands of messages, all containing the term “car bomb.”
NSA spokesperson Vanee’ Vines told reporters, “We have reason to believe the threats are coming from IRA affiliates, who seem to be positioned in frat houses all over the country. Even worse, the attacks all seem to be planned to coincide with St. Patrick’s Day gatherings.”
“We are treating the situation very seriously,” Vines said in an emergency announcement late Tuesday night. “The solution here requires a delicate balance of diplomacy, intelligence, Bailey’s, Jameson and Guinness. Things could sour very quickly if we hesitate.”
Messages intercepted by the NSA are heavily encrypted, including coded phrases like, “yo [sic] I got all that shit 4 [sic] car bombs lol yolo [sic]” and “party gonna [sic] blow up we got car bombs for mad heads [sic].” Many of the messages are filled with long streams of emojis, a recent tactic the NSA says Americans are using to throw off the officials charged with monitoring US citizens.
The NSA admitted that it is overwhelmed by the hundreds of thousands of apparent plots in nearly all regions of the United States, and is requesting immediate assistance from any citizens claiming to know “where the party’s at.”
In the meantime, the Department of Homeland Security has assured the nation that it is doing everything in its power to thwart these attacks, and advises citizens to avoid vehicles and roadways for the duration of St. Patrick’s Day.
Many Americans seem to be disregarding the threat, and are already criticizing the actions of the NSA. The most vocal critics of the security crackdown marched and drank outside the NSA headquarters at the ironically named Fort Meade in Maryland, chanting the slogan, “Tap kegs, not wires!”
