NSA Will Publish Facebook Activity Logs to Battle Whistleblowers

WASHINGTON — “Let he who’s without sin leak the first file” became the modern embodiment of an ancient adage this week as the National Security Agency announced its plan to combat the epidemic of whistleblowers and data leakers plaguing the intelligence industry. In a move applauded by other government agencies and large corporations, the previously media-shy NSA — once dubbed “No Such Agency” — reached out to all media outlets to announce it will begin taking justice into its own hands and retaliating against all leaks in a swift and efficient manner: by immediately publishing all Facebook activity of those involved.

Gen. Keith B. Alexander, the head of the NSA, began the announcement by stating that American surveillance had helped prevent “potential terrorist events over 50 times since 9/11,” including at least 10 “homeland-based threats.” But he said that a vast majority must remain secret to avoid disclosing sources and methods, and that having “little punks snitching on us only makes our job harder.” Alexander went on to say, “You gonna mess with our spying – we’ll mess with your stalking. See how you like it.”

The “Facebook Ultimate Karma Umbrella” (FUKU) is the infrastructure underpinning the NSA’s spying capabilities. The advanced computer system is programmed to automatically publish a whistleblower’s most embarrassing Facebook activity, as well as that of any journalist, editor, or ‘re-blogger’ involved in publicizing the leak.

NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis went on to further describe FUKU’s operations:

“Remember spending three months checking your ex’s page every day? Checking out the profile of every guy posting to her? We do. What about that photo album Amii from accounting put up last year – ‘Carbs and the Caribbean’? You know the one? All pictures of her in bikinis or holding up plates of food? The one you look through for 20 minutes before bed? Skipping over the food shots, pausing on bikinis? You know that one? We do. So stop it. Stop it right now. We’re doing serious work here, kid. Oh, and cover your camera when you do that. Nobody wants to see that.”

The potential impact of FUKU in action has been weighed as “significant” by security scholar and university professor Torin Monah.

“Nothing discredits an intelligence leak more than linking it to sexual activity. Just ask Julian Assange. If you still remember who that is.”

When asked about the Snowden case, and whether the NSA had already retaliated, Inglis shook his head sadly and replied:

“We trusted that boy. Trusted him with our systems, our data. We appreciated his services, and for him take that trust, and that data, and to misuse it by sharing it with all these third parties is just beyond the pale. Much like those personal close-up snaps he sent a special lady a while back. Very sad.”