NEW YORK – New York Police Commissioner Ray Kelly today announced that the NYPD will soon be expanding their controversial English-only policy—which forbids on-duty officers from speaking in a language other than English—to require that officers express themselves both “eloquently and clearly” through the “use of perfect grammar and resplendent language.”

“It’s of the utmost importance that officers of the NYPD conduct themselves professionally and consistently,” Kelly said in a press conference announcing the new policy. “We believe that, to do this, our force must interact with the public at highest linguistic levels. They should communicate clearly—but also beautifully, with language worthy of their post.”

Kelly offered some examples to illustrate how the new rule might change interactions between officers and the public. “If an officer wants to advise a citizen against jaywalking, they shouldn’t say, ‘Hey lady, watch where ya goin’.’ Under the new rule, they’ll be required to say something more like, ‘Excuse me, madam, but perhaps, for the sake of your own safety and the continued harmonious functioning of our fair metropolis, next time you might consider availing yourself of the convenient—and, more germane, safe—crosswalk, located a compendious fifteen feet from where we now stand, conversing as people will do.’”

“Anything less would be barbarous,” Kelly continued. “Barbarous and dumb, sort of like Spanish.”

The NYPD already forbids its officers from speaking in a language other than English while on the job, and the department has repeatedly sanctioned those who break the rule. A Daily News investigation found that nine Hispanic officers have been reprimanded for speaking Spanish on the job, and recently an Upper West Side officer was written up for uttering a single sentence in Spanish. Critics charge that the English-only rule creates a hostile work environment for some officers, and makes it more difficult for them to interact with the multilingual New York population, but Kelly says he remains “unswayed” by such criticism, arguing that English is “just far more magnificent than Spanish.”

The new “perfect-grammar” rule, slated to take effect early next month, would penalize offending officers by stripping them of one sick day every time they’re caught using slang, poor syntax, or clichéd metaphors. “No longer will the NYPD be overheard saying, ‘Feels like a sauna out here today, right?’” Kelly said. “If you can’t come up with a fresher simile than that, you might as well not speak at all.”

NYPD officers say they’re worried that, once the new rule takes effect, they will lose the public’s respect. One officer who spoke to Newslo predicted that criminals will lose their healthy fear of the police force: “How are these low-life, cock-suckin’ scumbags gonna respect me when I’m talkin’ like a total fairy?”