NEW YORK — Get ready New York City because the NYPD may be frisking you and invading your privacy without you even knowing it.
With the help of new infrared scanning technology, New York City Police Officers are now able to routinely search a person’s pockets without their knowledge or permission from the comfort of their patrol car, coffee shop, or massage parlor. New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly announced today that field testing of the new scanners, which read the natural energy emitted by animate or inanimate objects, is to commence shortly.
“Im very excited because with this new technology we can frisk people from a safe distance,” said NYPD officer Jerry O’Brien. “Normally you have to actually touch people to frisk them, which is just disgusting. Do you have any idea how dirty most people are? And the places we’re expected to frisk? You think it’s fun going inside a sweaty, overweight man’s thigh on a hot summer’s day? It really tests your gag reflexes, let me tell you.”
Fellow officer Rodney Krasninski agreed. “Now I can frisk anyone I want, any time I want, for any reason I want. Whether it’s a suspect in a criminal investiagtion or a hot chick walking down the street. They’ll never know! I love my job!”
Not everyone is excited for the NYPD’s new frisking capabilities. “This is the beginning of the end, people!” Harrangued radio host Alex Jones. “This new scanning technology will allow the government to reprogram your minds to believe their lies! Don’t be sheep! Rise up against the New World Order!”
According to Commissioner Kelly, initial trials of the new scanners will take place in front of the City’s gun stores and ‘adult’ shops. “Since lots of people will walk out of a gun store with a gun, that should be some easy nabs,” he explains. “And the sex shops sell a lot of phallic-shaped items that show up real well on the scanners. Whether you’re carrying a gun or a dildo, you can bet we will be watching.”