WASHINGTON — With his foreign policy increasingly under attack as the Middle East spirals out of control, President Obama announced yesterday that he would be furnishing aid and arms to all warring parties in the region. The one left standing at the conclusion of hostilities would be granted diplomatic recognition, according to his statement.

“The challenges currently facing the Middle East are clearly beyond my administration’s control, just as they have been for my predecessors,” President Obama told reporters gathered in the Rose Garden Thursday. “For too long, America has put itself in the position of supporting one faction against the other, only to have to drop out or switch sides when our former friend becomes our enemy. To wit, it shall be the policy of this administration to supply material and weapons to all militant groups in the region who ask, and whoever still stands when it’s all said and done gets full diplomatic recognition.”

The commander in chief said he reached the decision after ordering airstrikes on the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS—the very same group he would have been tacitly supporting if he had followed through with his plans of intervening in the Syrian Civil War on the side of the rebels last August.

“It just hit me, like an epiphany: we’re going to be at war with everybody sooner or later,” Obama revealed, citing the Taliban, Iraq, Iran and Libya as examples of former American allies turned enemies in the region. “Hell, Pakistan is supposedly one of our friends, and I spend half my time ordering drone strikes on their soil. So I’m done picking favorites. Let the marketplace decide. Republicans should love that line, by the by.”

“I’m just finished with this bullshit. I am so fucking finished with all of this bullshit, OK?” Obama concluded, throwing his hands in the air. “I don’t care anymore. The whole place, from the Red Sea to Tehran, I’m over it. Do whatever the hell you want.”