The Obama-Castro Handjob That Shocked The World

JOHANNESBURG — A simple handjob between President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro erupted a torrent of international speculation about a coming shift in Cuban-American relations.

Obama offered Castro the handjob in front of a worldwide audience before taking the stage at Tuesday’s memorial service honoring former South African President Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.

The brief but intimate gesture is no guarantee that the former Cold War foes are headed towards reconciliation, but optimists in both nations hope the two presidents’ aggressive sexual behavior towards one another is a sign of things to come.

“May this… be the beginning of the end of the US aggressions,” read a message on the Cuban government’s official website.

Others were less enthused about the manual stimulation.

Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) who was born in Havana before her family moved to Miami, said it was “nauseating and disheartening” to watch Obama jerk off another president.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was quick to lambaste the president for his gesture of kindness, going so far as to compare it to the time Neville Chamberlain famously went down on Adolf Hitler at the start of World War II.

“Why should you give somebody who’s keeping Americans in prison a handjob? It’s a sign of weakness. If anything, Castro should be the one serving up the presidential penis pull,” McCain said.

A White House official said the handjob was not planned, and that Obama and Castro simply “exchanged greetings” as they prepared for the memorial.

After bringing Castro to climax, Obama moved on to nibble Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff’s ear and gingerly lick the fingers of Afghan President Hamid Karzai.