Obama Assures Beleaguered Nation That, “The Spam Can End”

WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the President on Tuesday ignited a real glimmer of hope for the future.

“I will never stop spamming,” Obama said firmly, “but, from this point forward, anyone who donates to my campaign will have the option to stop receiving the emails.” Sources could not determine if this was a permanent exemption or only a temporary respite, but it is true that individuals who recently donated only $5 have stopped receiving further donation requests.

“It’s like I can finally breathe again,” said Sheila Emmonds, a schoolteacher from Missouri. “It got to the point where I was getting hundreds of these emails from Obama every day. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep… things were dark. But now I can finally smile once more. I can look at my kids and tell them honestly that things will be all right.”

While the ability to donate and opt out of the emails is a godsend for many, the announcement also comes with bad news. This deal confirms that the spam will not end with the election season, as some had dared to hope. Obama’s campaign manager David Axelrod explained that the emails would keep coming for at least the next fifty years.

“Obama spam is like healthcare,” Axelrod said. “Everyone deserves it, and everyone needs to have it. If you want to opt out, fine, but you’re going to have to pay for that privilege.” Thankfully, a five dollar donation is all it will take – for now, at least.

Oliver Drummond, a senior citizen originally from England, had a particularly interesting response to Obama’s announcement. “It was like when Winston Churchill would address us during the Blitz of London. Bombs were falling on us every night, people were scared, there were fires in the streets. But then Winston Churchill came on the radio, and he made you really believe things could get better. That’s how Obama made me feel, saying the spam might end.”