MOSCOW — “I know you think Obama cancelled our meeting because of Snowden,” Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “but really he just refused to abide by my shirtless summit rule.”
The Russian President, whose latest shirtless photo came from a fishing trip he took with the Russian Prime Minister on July 20th, just does not understand how anyone could conduct a diplomatic visit while wearing a shirt “like a sissy.”
“I mean, I get it though,” Putin admitted, “Obama likes to play golf and went to Harvard; I like to kill things in Siberia and was a leader of the KGB, so I understand why Barack might be a little intimidated by what a hulking piece of well-sculpted man meat I am.”
The two sides were apparently close to resolving the diplomatic stand-off after Obama proposed that the two men wear cut-off muscle shirts. However, an impasse over how much midriff would be permissible eventually scuttled the deal.
After the summit was cancelled, the Kremlin released a statement bemoaning the spindly look of the American leader and recommended Obama replace his cardio-centric basketball hobby with intense weightlifting. The White House responded promptly, accusing Putin of “only worked out his glamour muscles” and suggesting that he “needs to start putting in work on his core.”