Obama Generates Revenue with Spam Emails

WASHINGTON — Facing a wall of resistance from recalcitrant Republicans in Congress, President Obama hopes to raise federal revenue by using an old mainstay of his political strategy: spam emails.

“If you are reading this email, it means that you still want to keep America moving forward and that my staff still has your information and can bypass your spam filters,” begins an email sent to millions of Americans this morning at 10:38 am, one of the twenty-two sent within that hour alone. “Together we have made great strides and all that. In lieu of closing tax loopholes, we’re going to try ‘crowd sourcing’ the money. So send us your money via credit cards, PayPal, whatever. Any amount helps, but if it’s going to be less than $100, honestly, don’t bother.”

“You know the drill,” concludes the email.

Shortly after his re-election, President Obama stated his goal of raising $1.6 trillion in ten years, beginning with tax increases on the rich. However, anticipating sequestration and a gridlocked Congress, the president decided to keep his campaign staff on to assault the inboxes of anyone who once openly supported him or Googled anything relating to presidents.

“I really thought the emails would finally end after the election, but they’ve only gotten worse,” said Philadelphia resident and registered Democrat Hugo Arjona. “I’ve gotten emails regarding Craigslist posts and from my local church, saying I won a free happy hour at McNally’s Tavern. But it turns out they were all from the White House.”

Others have reportedly seen the president standing on street corners with a clipboard, asking citizens for a minute of their time.