Obama, Google Team Up to Do Brain-Mapping

WASHINGTON — Following up on his proposed $100 million plan to map the human brain, President Obama today revealed that that the firm slated to do the mapping will be Google.

At a press conference, President Obama announced, “Millions of Americans depend on Google Maps every day to get them to where they want to go. I can think of no better company to help us map our ‘inner workings,’ and by using Google Brain Maps in the process, the hope is that this will help people ‘find themselves.’ ”

Along with mapping out the locations of millions of neurons, Obama said Google Brain Maps could help Americans find their house keys, proceed logically from Point A to Point B, develop a career path, find direction in their lives, and “get a clue.”

But some Republicans sounded the alarm at the announcement. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) held an urgent press conference at which she said, “I read an unsourced email or tweet or maybe a fortune cookie that warned that President Obama has ordered Google to direct all ‘right-thinking’ Americans to ‘make an immediate sharp left-turn’ in their thinking and become socialists like the President.”

As an example, Bachmann said that the email, or message in a bottle, or Ouija board prediction, or “wherever I heard it,” warned that when someone like her thought about repealing Obamacare,  Google Brain Maps would emit a sharp “WRONG WAY” warning, or a “Can’t Get There From Here” message.

“There are also plans for Obama’s ‘Thought Police’ to pull you over for ‘Reckless Thinking’ and give you a hefty fine,” the congresswoman added.

Republican congressman Paul Broun (R-GA), a member of the House Science Committee, echoed a similar theme. “With Obama in charge of brain-mapping, being a ‘Republican’ will be classified as a mental disorder.”

Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) responded, saying, “I don’t know about mental disorders, but Representative Broun has taken a path with the shortest distance between an elected official and Crazy Town.”

A spokesperson for Google said that the company was not taking sides in the controversy. “We’re taking over the world one way or the other. Just relax and enjoy it.”