WASHINGTON — According to analysis performed by the Presidential Library Commission, President Barack Obama is the least-effective terrorist-sympathizing communist to ever serve as chief executive. The report found that despite holding the most powerful office in the nation and a bevy of anti-American, anti-capitalist beliefs, Obama has only managed to enact centrist, pro-capitalist policies during his four year tenure.
“Let me be clear,” said Obama in a press conference this morning, “Sure, I’m disappointed. After all, I hate freedom, Christmas and the American dream. But I just can’t seem to pass any laws that reflect the extremism that conservatives have correctly labeled me as possessing.”
Republicans say the report validates their long-held suspicions that Obama is both a radical and embarrassingly ineffective. “Obama is just a Nazi in sheep’s clothing going around the world apologizing for America,” said Tea Party blogger and activist Gordon Rehage. “Just look at how moderately different America is under his tyrannical reign of terror.”
Among the report’s most damaging findings is that, despite loving terrorism and hating our men and women in uniform, Obama mysteriously ordered the killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden.
“That one really blew up in my face,” confessed Obama in a moment of rare candor. “I ordered that raid to ensure another Al-Qaeda victory over the Great Satan. But now it looks like I’m a strong commander in chief who isn’t soft on global terrorism at all. Whoops!”
Obama even praised the film “2016: Obama’s America” for its prescience. “I’ve only been the most influential person on the planet for four years. It’s in the second term that I plan to break through the partisan gridlock of Congress and reveal my vision for a Marxist theocracy. That’s absolutely what follows from my center-left platform and record.”
“He’s absolutely a fundamentalist Muslim intent on bringing Sharia law to your city,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “When Barack championed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, it tore him up inside. What he really wanted was to mandate burqas in public and private spaces. But we’re Democrats—we just can’t seem to pass any of the policies we like.”
For now, the Obama administration says it will focus on its long-term plan to strip Second Amendment rights by further de-regulating guns. “I may look like I’ve actually expanded gun rights during my term in office,” said Obama, “but that’s the long con: mildly extend gun rights so that I can take them away completely in my second term. I’m history’s first first-term lame-duck president. You’ll see.”
Obama encourages Americans not to judge him on his record, but on the email forwards your uncle sends you.
“I am not defined by the policies I endorse or act upon,” said Obama. “I am defined by the poorly-spelled, insane ramblings of Republican bloggers. They get it. It’s not about what I do as President that counts; it’s about who I might be because you saw a Photoshopped picture of me in a turban.”