BAGRAM AIR FIELD, Afghanistan – Many of the nearly 25 million illegal drug users in America have had to brave dodgy areas from time to time in an effort to find their vice of choice, but few have gone so far as to enter an active war zone to get their fix. Consider U.S. President Barack Obama braver than most, as just last weekend Obama made a quick stop in Afghanistan with the purpose of picking up some “bomb-ass” Hindu Kush marijuana.
Eyewitnesses say they saw the president and his entourage exit Air Force One for a runway rendezvous with some prominent Afghani businessmen in what turned out to be a massive marijuana deal.
“I saw President Obama smell the contents of a large designer suitcase,” said a Bagram Air Field worker who wishes to remain anonymous. “He told his staff that it was ‘good shit’ and ordered them to ‘pay the man’ before conducting an elaborate handshake with one of the businessmen.”
Some of the generals at the base were said to be expecting the president to address some of the troops for Memorial Day. Many high-ranking military officials expressed displeasure at the president’s decision to blow off the presentation to ‘chill out’ and get stoned with his friends.
“I’ve never been more upset in my life,” said General Joseph Dunford Jr., current commander of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan. “[President Obama] decides to come in here on a whim to ‘address the troops,’ and then when he lands, he has Air Force One is smelling like Justin Bieber’s tour bus. ”
General Dunford later softened his stance, stating that he was “not mad, just really disappointed.”
“Look, maybe I was a bit too harsh earlier. It’s just a little pot, but I don’t want to see him flying in to pick up something worse someday. Afghanistan has a huge heroin market and we all know that marijuana is often a gateway to harder drugs,” said General Dunford to a group of reporters.
A massive opium trade is one of the side effects of the ongoing war in Afghanistan, which has seen the nation destabilized after nearly 13 years of conflict. Most coalition troops are scheduled to be pulled out within the next year, with allied casualties already nearing 15,000, with another 23,500 wounded in action.
When questioned about the current state of the war, President Obama giggled and asked if there was a new “Call of Duty” game available.