Obama to Congress: Start Smoking Pot

WASHINGTON – President Obama has some advice for American politicians: Start smoking pot.

In an interview with David Remnick of The New Yorker last week, the president went on record saying that he doesn’t believe marijuana is any more dangerous than alcohol or cigarettes, and argued that it has some “clearly beneficial effects.” President Obama, who admits to having smoked pot in his youth, described marijuana as a “perfect way to chill out” and “see things differently.”

“When I was growing up, I can’t tell you how many arguments and fights I avoided by just lighting up a J and passing it around,” Obama told Remnick. “It really helps people come together and bond.”

Obama, who has spent much of his presidency battling a recalcitrant congress, suggested that “many people—and not just the sick ones—could benefit from puffing on a little bud from time to time.” “I think it could be particularly helpful in Congress,” Obama continued. “If there’s any group of people who really need to get high, it’s members of the House of Representatives.”

Washington, D.C. currently allows the use of marijuana only for medicinal purposes, but Obama says that he “fully supports” legalizing recreational pot use in the District, as Washington state and Colorado recently did. The president expressed approval of the measures passed by those states, and said that “the sooner we can get doobies into the mouths of congressmen, the better for this country and the world.”

“While there is some risk that giving them all weed would make the Congress even more lazy than they already are, I think it’s a worthy experiment,” the president continued. “Maybe pot would make them a little more empathetic about the plight of low-income Americans, or more enlightened on environmental issues. Either way, I think it’s time we disrupt the status quo.”

The president said that he supports legalization in part because draconian punishments for possession of marijuana are applied with particular gusto to poor and minority offenders, but mostly because he “really [thinks] it would help America if congressmen could visit the White House and burn one in the Oval Office” with him.

“I’ll tell you this much,” the president concluded. “Some members of Congress already do smoke, and they’re the best ones to deal with. You think Susan Collins is such a great leader because she’s just a good gal? Check in the hidden compartment in her car, and you’ll find the real source of all that poise and reason.”