Obama: “Only Jack Lew Can Cure the Next Economic Crisis He Creates”

WASHINGTON — In his weekly address to the American public, President Obama clarified the rationale behind his nomination of Jack Lew for Treasury Secretary, stating: “Jack will know what to do in the next inevitable economic downturn, since he helped engineer the last one.”

The president clarified the Lew had spent his career acting as an attorney to Wall Street, collecting two million dollars and an undisclosed bonus from the collapsing Citigroup, which later received $45 billion in TARP money.

“Jack Lew is a true friend of Corporate America. His voice is one of encouragement,” said the president. “It has encouraged me to fight harder for the American people, just as it encouraged Wall Street speculators to grant themselves unreasonably large bonuses.”

“When the economy begins to crash again – and it will – we want someone with intimate insight into its anatomy,” said President Obama, concluding his statement by comparing economic crises to emergency surgery. “Sure, Jack Lew might have nicked a major artery here or there, left a scalpel near your spleen, made reckless investments in a gamble against the housing market. But only he is in the position to learn from those mistakes.”

“He will not let this powerful economy bleed out,” the president declared. “Jack Lew is bringing the duct tape.”