Obama Pledges ‘A Spy in Every Home’

WASHINGTON – After considering a controversial FBI proposal to revamp electronic communication surveillance laws to make it easier to monitor subjects’ online behavior, today the Obama Administration announced that it was planning on pushing the electronic surveillance envelope even further by working with Apple to develop new iSpy programming.

“The president felt that the FBI wasn’t thinking far enough ahead,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney about the FBI’s desire to make it easier to listen in on conversations conducted via Facebook or Google. “We’ve heard for years from law enforcement officials that the legislation lags behind the technology. So this time we’re going to be ahead of the curve. No longer will ordinary Americans have to wonder needlessly if their emails and online messaging are being monitored. Because they will know that they are.”

“If you’ve been wondering if some secret, shadowy government agency has been monitoring your every keystroke while you catch up with a family member, or flirt with an old hookup; soon you won’t have to wonder anymore,” said National Security Advisor Thomas Donilon. “We can’t just wait for people to use keywords like ‘jihad’ or ‘fertilizer’ or ‘tea party tax return’ before we start following their every move. We need to start now.”

While groups as disparate as the ACLU and the Commerce Department objected to the FBI’s original proposal—the former over privacy worries and the latter because such monitoring requirements could theoretically stifle Silicon Valley innovation—President Obama’s new, cutting-edge iSpy concept may actually be better received.

“Fans of the iPod and the iPad are going to love the iSpy,” promised Carney. “Apple is a master at combining form and function, and we feel the iSpy software will become as ubiquitous as iTunes of iLife and fit seamlessly into Americans’ daily computer usage.

“You won’t even know the government is watching you,” Carney added. “Out of sight, out of mind.”