Obama Pledges to Increase Drone Transparency, Destructive Capabilities

WASHINGTON — Stating that his words have been taken out of context by the media, President Obama has clarified that he intends to increase transparency surrounding drone strikes, making the unmanned aerial vehicles “almost entirely see-through.”

The Predator and Reaper drone models most commonly used to kill terrorists in Pakistan are easy to detect by radar and only travel at about 100 mph, roughly the speed of a World War I bomber. While more sophisticated drones do exist and are less susceptible to radar detection, no current models are entirely invisible.

“In the past, research and development on invisible aircraft has been hindered by the presence of an onboard pilot,” said Obama, speaking more openly about the use of drones in his weekly address. “So, say Pakistan intends to combat our violation of its sovereignty by sending an Air Force pilot to shoot down our drone. Sure, they can’t see the plane, but they do see a little man in the sky, sitting there like Wonder Woman.”

The President paused to chuckle. “Humorous, I know, but this complication has made direct action against terrorists more difficult.”

With no onboard pilot needed in drones, however, the U.S. military can rain death upon its targets with less risk of interference. Other unnecessary improvements suggested by the President include expanded weapon systems, such as disc saws and flamethrowers.

“Again, not a viable option, but an option nonetheless,” said Obama, noting that most drone strikes are conducted several miles above the ground, rendering these new weapons systems highly impractical.

The President concluded his brief discussion by apologizing for the confusion over his word choice, admitting that he can completely understand why many Americans expected more honest and open dialogue about drone killings by his repeated use of the phrase “increased transparency.”

“It’s funny that you thought that,” said President Obama, “but no.”