Obama Practices Getting to the Goddamn Point for Tonight’s Debate

DENVER — Tonight’s first presidential debate will show that, for President Obama, the race to the White House is a race against the clock. In keeping with Democratic tradition, Obama has shown a commitment to approaching debate as rhetorical Quidditch: a sport that can potentially go on forever.

The average American voter has an attention span of 20 seconds; Obama’s defense of the healthcare mandate alone takes over two days to complete. In order to present his views in a manner that doesn’t invoke feelings of inferiority and anger from viewers, Obama is preparing for the debate using a “Power Hour” strategy suggested by Vice President Biden.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney has faced similar issues, having developed a number of policies that running mate Paul Ryan says would take at least until mid-November to explain.