Obama Promises Putin ‘Tongue Lashing for the Ages’ if Russia Invades Ukraine

WASHINGTON— In the face of imminent Russian invasion of Ukraine, President Obama delivered an emergency address from the Oval Office Monday, unequivocally declaring that further attempts by Russia to destabilize Ukraine will be met with a full-on tongue-lashing.

Russia moved troops into the largely Russian-speaking Ukrainian region of Crimea after protests forced pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovich from office two weeks ago. Russian officials maintain the troops are protecting the people in Crimea, but observers fear that Russia may move further east into Ukraine.

“Before the American people, the world, and President Putin, let me make myself clear: continued aggression in Ukraine will result in all-out tongue-lashing, on a scale not seen in this century,” Obama vowed. “In concert with NATO, the E.U., and the U.N., the United States will move forcefully and resiliently to make sure this naked aggression is met with the strongest possible belittlings and verbal indications of disapproval.”

Vowing to use the most severe rhetorical devices at his disposal, President Obama declared that the scale of linguistic abuse to be leveled at the Russian President would be “unprecedented,” and that “no word or phrase” would be overlooked in the upcoming tirade.

“Make no mistake, I will use whatever chidings, condemnations, and reproaches that this office affords me, and even more if I feel the situation requires it,” Obama said. “Only through stringently-worded press releases can the people of the free world ensure the survival of democracy and self-determination.”

Obama’s threat to vocally express a level of disapproval not seen since the invasion of France in 1940 has been met with mixed results thus far, with many wondering if the president is fully prepared to give the mother of all tongue-lashings.

“Sure, Obama says he’ll give Putin a tongue-lashing not seen since the Cold War, but do we really believe he can deliver on that promise?” asked Sean Hannity on his radio program Monday. “This is the same administration that couldn’t deliver a serious chastisement to Syria, but now the U.S. is going to take it up a notch and verbally bitch-slap Putin? Obama’s mouth might have just written a check it can’t cash.”

No response has been received from the Kremlin, although sources indicate preparations are currently underway to completely and totally ignore any and all U.S. actions.