WAR-INGTON — In what may prove to be the defining moment of his final two years in office, President Obama vowed Wednesday to commence airstrikes against ISIS in Syria and Iraq, in addition to military actions against Ray Rice, Roger Goodell, the Ferguson Police“or whatever it will take to make the American people love me again.”

“We will conduct a systematic campaign of airstrikes against these terrorists—anything to get me back to where I was in ’08 and ’09,” said a stricken Obama to the nation. “Anything, baby, just say the word. Tell me how to make this right. Who do I bomb and where? Your wish is my command.”

“I have made it clear that we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” said the president, adding hastily, “or wherever the American people want them to be. Or don’t want them to be. Please, just tell me what to do.”

“I’ve already drawn up assassination orders for Ray Rice and Roger Goodell. I’ll sign ‘em in a heartbeat. I’ll turn the whole city of Baltimore into a parking lot. Is that what you want, America? As long as it involves unilateral military action, I’ll do it. Anything to get in your good books again.”

According to a recent Gallup poll, Obama’s approval rating has fallen to 40 percent, a historic low for the president. The nation has similarly turned hawkish, with a Washington Post/ABC News poll finding 71 percent approve of strikes against ISIS. It is widely predicted that the Democratic Party will suffer significant losses in the upcoming midterms.

“You want me to bomb Ferguson? It’s done,” pleaded the commander-in-chief. “You want me to intervene in Ukraine? Christ, I’ll drop paratroopers into Moscow tonight if it will make you people happy. Tell me how to get my approval ratings back to 60 percent, like when I was starting out.”

“Don’t you remember those days, America? Summer of ’08? We were so carefree back then,” said Obama as he struggled to brush tears out of his eyes. “Hope, Change, Go-bama? The softball media questions, the landslide electoral victory, the Nobel Prize. It was like a fairytale. Where did we go wrong?

“Where did I go wrong?”