Washington, D.C. – Barack Obama has recently stated in an interview to CBS News that “everybody seems to be badmouthing the Secret Service lately, especially members of the opposing party”. It’s debatable whether protectionism in politics has gotten a new meaning since Mr. Obama has become President, or the attacks on the Secret Service name are due to actual screw-ups. The fact to the matter is that Obama’s protecting “his boys”.

“Need I remind you that the US Secret Service has been at the forefront of every major political event in the US and abroad in the 20th century? You don’t get that kind of reputation overnight. Someone has clearly set their sights on this agency and I won’t stand by and watch their name being dragged through the dirt”, Obama added.

The US President also acknowledged that the agency’s track record isn’t exactly spotless, either. “Ok, I guess that the whole Kennedy thing wasn’t their best work. But the fact that “Secret Service agents are being ridiculed for having engaged in sexual pleasures and what others call “indiscretions” in 17 different countries is just pissing me off, you know? What are they supposed to do, go into celibacy while they’re on the job?! They’re just human, for Allah’s sake!”, Obama angrily (almost) shouted.

“What?! “Drinking and seeing prostitutes in Columbia?! Well, the whole damn country was built on booze and prostitutes, it’s only right for the guys to experience Colombia’s building blocks in person!”, he further added, when told of another incident.

The President concluded: “so, “they sent sexually suggestive emails to a female subordinate, big deal; she was probably asking for it, anyway. Everybody knows how stressful it is to work in an agency like the Secret Service, especially Tim and Iggy ” (Timothy Barraclough and Ignacio Zamora, Jr.). A man’s gotta blow off some steam, you know?”

Apparently, the Secret Service isn’t so secret, after all.