Obama Secretly Asked Kenyan Uncle to Self-Deport

WASHINGTON — President Obama’s domestic policy has been met with frustration from his own base, even as he attempts to pivot away from healthcare-related distractions and towards comprehensive immigration reform. Now he is faced with the uncomfortable task of telling his Kenyan uncle that he cannot stay at the White House over the Christmas holiday.

Onyango Okech Obama, the president’s uncle, indicated that “Barry owed me one for allowing him to crash at my place in Cambridge for a few weeks in the ‘80s while he was waiting to move into his own apartment.”

So Onyango Okech Obama was dumbfounded when he received a curt request from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to “politely self-deport back to Kenya so as not to create yet another headache for B.O.”

The president’s uncle had been living illegally in the United States over the past five decades until last week, when he was granted permission to stay with a green card.

The White House has already been forced to retract a 2011 statement indicating that the two had never met, though Carney still claims that the President had “absolutely zero” participation in his uncle’s deportation case.

Noted presidential historian Newt Gingrich suggested that the first family was likely worried about having the president’s uncle in residence for a number of reasons.”

“Birthers would latch onto the Kenyan connection and his own party might claim the president had granted a free pass to his relative when his administration has deported more immigrants annually than that of George W. Bush,” said Gingrich. “But I suspect his uncle’s heavy drinking put the kibosh on the visit.”

Onyango Okech Obama had been arrested on drunk driving charges in 2011, which brought him to the attention of immigration officials. But it was his overly potent rum cake that caught the first lady’s attention when she received it as an offering to apologize for a lackluster Christmas gift.

An anonymous White House official told Politico that the first lady considered her husband’s uncle a bad influence on the Obama girls. “Last time they had him over for Christmas, he re-gifted a bust of the 16th president that he obviously took from the Lincoln bedroom,” said the highly-ranking source. “Michelle awkwardly accepted the gift, which she promptly returned to the bedroom only to find an empty bottle of Changaa,” an alcoholic drink popular in Kenya.

“Still, the family realizes this is a sensitive issue, so they’re not going to round him up and forcibly deport him. Like with healthcare, they decided to adopt Romney’s policy instead when it came to urging Onyango back to Kenya.”