WASHINGTON — President Obama breathed a sigh of relief on Monday when Russian President Vladimir Putin proposed that Syria relinquish its chemical weapons and Obama put this whole embarrassing mess behind him.
“Thank God,” said Obama privately to an aide. “I was really shooting blanks, there.”
Although he had publically maintained that military action was the only way to respond to Syria’s recent use of chemical weapons, White House advisors say that the president had begun to realize that he was in way over his head.
“The president was really upset Monday morning,” said one anonymous advisor. “Sixty-four percent of Americans opposed airstrikes in Syria. Meanwhile, Congress was starting to look like they wouldn’t approve military force. Obama didn’t really want to strike anymore, but he didn’t think he could pull his punches after he’d made such a big deal out of it.”
“Then, all of a sudden,” continued the advisor, “a shirtless knight rode in and saved the day.”
According to Newslo’s sources, Obama is trying to downplay how incredibly stoked he is that Putin bailed him out of the corner that he had backed himself into.
“He’s the president of the United States, so he can’t make it look like he’s happy that an authoritarian like Vladi saved his ass, but that’s totally what happened,” said Hillary, who withheld her last name because she “works in politics.”
“It was starting to get really stupid,” said John K., who withheld his full name for similar reasons. “I’m just glad Putin stepped in before the Democratic Party could really make a fool of itself.”
Although Obama is incredibly relieved by Putin’s proposed resolution, he has publically maintained that he will still consider military action if President Bashar al-Assad fails to comply. However, one White House aide demurred that this was “all talk,” and that Obama is “really, really banking on Assad turning in his weapons.”
While it is still unclear whether Assad will turn all of Syria’s chemical weapons over to the international community, Putin seems convinced that he has fixed an international disaster all by himself.
“This has all been super-weird,” said Putin Monday evening. “I’m just glad that I, an abusive ruler and former member of the KGB, could represent the will of the American people at a time when the American president was apparently unable to do so.”