Obama Sure ‘Voicing His Concern’ Will End Syrian Chemical Weapon Attacks

WASHINGTON — In a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin on Monday, President Obama “voiced his concern” over reports that Syrian government forces have been using chemical weapons on their own people. Sources inside the White House indicate that the President is “pretty darn sure” that “making his concerns known” will be sufficient to end the massacres.”

“It’s looking increasingly likely that [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad used chemical weapons on innocent people in Aleppo,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said. “If so, it will not stand. President Obama made his concerns known to Mr. Putin on Monday, and he’s confident that as soon as the Assad government hears how concerned he is, it will quickly change its ways.”

“As everyone knows, expressing vague, halfhearted concern is the only way to combat murderous dictators who are slaughtering their own people,” the spokesperson added.

In the past, the Obama Administration has said that if Assad’s forces used chemical weapons it would constitute a “red line,” the crossing of which would presumably trigger some sort of US-led intervention in the ongoing civil war, which has left over 70,000 Syrians dead and counting.

“We refuse to live in a world where a government can use chemical weapons against its own people without facing any consequences,” Jay Carney said. “Would-be dictators be warned: If you cross that red line, President Obama won’t be very happy about it at all. You might even face a UN resolution. Call us when you’re finished trembling in your boots.”