Obama to Boost Flagging Poll Numbers by Killing Another Al-Qaeda Leader

WASHINGTON – In response to a recent CBS News poll which found that 46% of Americans disapprove of how President Obama has handled the events which have taken place in the Ukraine verses 38% who approve, the White House today announced that the president would give the go-ahead to the nation’s military to find and kill a leading member of the al-Qaeda terrorist organization.

“The president is very concerned with the current state of world affairs, particularly with how they affect his poll numbers,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “He is confident that by giving Americans the symbolic victory of hunting down and killing a medium-to-high level leader in al-Qaeda, his numbers will improve in no time.

“There’s a pretty strong track record of this working,” added Carney.

The White House hopes that by parading the death of a formerly unknown terrorist in front of the media, it can reverse a trend that has seen the percentage of those who feel America’s image has improved since he took office drop from 60% in July 2009 to 32% today.

“The CBS poll was certainly an eye-opener for the president,” admitted Carney. “When he read that 43% of Americans believe the country’s image has gotten worse since he took office, meaning they thought the nation’s image was better under Bush… well I think you can see how that would drive a president to action.”

According to Carney, if the CIA is unable to locate a suitably high-level al-Qaeda operative to adequately boost the president’s poll numbers, he would consider a surgical strike against an as-yet-undetermined Russian target in Crimea.

“People love surgical strikes,” explained Carney.