Obama Unveils New ‘Screw It’ Approach to Climate Change

WASHINGTON — President Obama today unveiled his administration’s revamped approach to tackling climate change. In a forty-five minute speech delivered at Georgetown University, the president described the new plan, which calls for no action whatsoever, and “will simply let the Earth go to shit, since that’s what Americans seem to want anyway. Fuck it.”

“I tried, I really tried,” the president said, resting his head on the podium, defeated. “We showed you the scientific evidence, we warned you about the consequences of inaction. We even stopped calling it global warming and instead used the words ‘climate change’ –hoping that a little rebranding would do the trick—but the whole topic just puts you all to sleep. So whatever. I’m done. Fuck it.”

The president began his speech by calling for decreased use of coal in power plants, both domestically and abroad, with the aim of sharply reducing carbon dioxide emissions released into the atmosphere. But shortly into the speech, the president paused, gazed into the distance, and said, “Actually, what’s the use? This fuckin’ plan will never make it through Congress. And you know why? Because you elected those idiots, America. They really are representative of you.”

Indeed, two-thirds of Americans believe that global warming is “not an immediate threat,” and less than half believe that human activity (i.e., use of fossil fuels) is primarily responsible for the Earth’s increasing temperature—numbers that have led to lukewarm support for the president’s previous climate change initiatives.

“I’m starting to wonder if you guys actually want a hot, flooded, piece of shit planet,” the president continued, growing visibly distressed. “So forget the carbon-emissions plan. It was always hopeless anyway. Here’s the new plan: Nothing. We’re going to do exactly jack shit. You’re welcome, America. Have fun with your SUVs.”

The speech was marked by repeated moments of irony, as the roar of large airliners, passing overhead, drowned out the president’s voice. After one particularly loud plane receded, Obama shook his head, looked down at his discarded notes, and mumbled, “For fuck’s sake.”

Prominent Republican lawmakers reacted positively to the speech. “Finally, President Obama is listening to the American people and embracing the small-government ethos,” said Sen. David Ritter (R-La.). “Which is to say: he’s decided that doing nothing is the best way to govern. He’s finally seen the light.”

Instant polling suggests that Americans largely approve of the president’s new Sit on Our Asses and Let the Planet Boil initiative, with over 70% of respondents admitting that they “always planned on just sitting on [their] ass anyway.”