Obama Visits Newtown for Healing Photo Op

NEWTOWN, Conn. — President Obama visited grief stricken Newtown, CT, today to offer sincere condolences to the families of the victims of last week’s school shooting, and insincere pledges to sort of start a national conversation of maybe doing something about guns sometime in the near or preferably far future but certainly not now.

“My fellow Americans” the president said to a collection of mourning parents and townspeople, “the time has come for us to re-evaluate our relationship to automatic weapons, and to take meaningful action. When I figure out what that means, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I want to reiterate, that as a parent, I stand with you in this hour of unspeakable sorrow. I also want to assure you that as your president, this is as far as I go in terms of confronting the gun lobby.”

The Most Powerful Man on Earth then greeted a receiving line of family members of the fallen, taking measures to ensure he was photographed in both candid moments of offering soothing words, and still poses of long embraces.

Local resident Donna Herndon thinks the president “nailed it.”

“Some people get on him for doing nothing but staging a few photo ops and making a touching speech in the aftermaths of the numerous mass shootings on his watch. But I have to say when you see him do it live it’s totally different. I’m blown away.

“Maybe not literally” she added.

“Seeing families torn apart like this is heartbreaking,” said the President as he departed. “I take solace in knowing that I did all that is within my power to help them.”