Obamacare Kills 2, Wounds Dozens in First Week

WASHINGTON – Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius today apologized for early problems associated with the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, which has killed two conservatives and wounded many others this week, according to reports. Large parts of the law went into effect as of October 1, but Secretary Sebelius says she “wishes [she] could take it all back,” and that she “never expected it to maim and kill Americans on the very first day.”

“We intended this law to help Americans get and stay healthy,” Sebelius said. “But today I acknowledge that the grand experiment has experienced a few hiccups so far, and, sadly, several people are dead.”

New health care exchange websites for many states and the federal government went live on Tuesday, but experienced “glitches” caused by unexpectedly high traffic—around 2.8 million people for the federal site alone—and subsequently crashed. Authorities say that at least twenty people desperate for coverage have been hospitalized after pounding their keyboards in frustration, resulting in broken hands.

“The greatest tragedy is that they never made it to the part where they buy insurance,” Secretary Sebelius said. “So they won’t be covered for these injuries.”

Obamacare, as it’s colloquially referred to, has also indirectly caused the death of at least two Americans since its implementation Tuesday. Sheriff Ken Bolling of West, Texas, said that two unidentified males were found deceased in their home on Wednesday, both of them victims of gunshot wounds.

“Apparently, they were expecting the ‘Obamacare Nazis’ to come and pump them full of Xanax, then raid their home and kill them,” Sheriff Bolling explained. “They were both heavily armed, waiting to fight back. At some point, their paranoia overtook them, and they turned on each other, each believing the other was a Department of Health and Human Services worker.”

Sebelius said the death toll may continue to rise. “We’ve documented a sudden spike in heart failure among self-identified conservatives,” Sebelius explained. “A very dramatic spike, in fact. It’s possible that the horror of seeing Obamacare finally implemented is causing these cardiac events, but we’re not ready to confirm that yet.”

“What I can promise is that Obamacare was never intended as a means to kill off conservatives, and thereby tip the electorate in the Democrats’ favor even sooner,” Sebelius asserted. “At least not to my knowledge.”