Obama’s Campaign Evolution: From “Hope” to “Change” to “At Least I’m Not That Asshole”

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama announced after the conclusion of the third and final presidential debate that his campaign team has devised a new bulletproof platform. President Obama personally and publicly guarantees that if elected for four more years, at no point will he ever be Mitt Romney.

David Axelrod, a returning campaign advisor to Obama, states, “If you look carefully at the President’s track record, you will find irrefutable evidence that he not only served his entire term, but his whole life, without having once been Governor Mitt Dickhead.”

Obama’s administration and policies are under constant scrutiny, having been criticized for the distressed economy, domestic policies, and America’s global position as a world power. The President says he is more than prepared to speak to such criticisms, and happily reveals a strategy that every citizen can support. “I stand firm as your Commander in Chief,” says the Commander in Chief, “my highest priority being to do whatever it takes not to be that elitist, cult-eyed asswipe whose opinion changes as often as his sprayed-on skin tone. It’s what’s best for our country. It’s what’s best for the world at large.”

But getting down to specifics, President Obama addresses issues such as civil rights for homosexuals and healthcare reform with a newfound fervor. “First off, Prick Romney is a Mormon, who is forbidden to consume alcohol. You think I’ve ever paid for a drink at a gay bar?” Obama chuckles. “I’m a fucking hit. So, gay rights: there you go. As for healthcare, I have a human body, a human wife, and moderately cute human offspring. Mitt Fuckface has a collection of what I can only assume are androids of a male prototype that he passes off for spawn. His healthcare plan covers what, sick car elevators? So there you go, again. Next topic.”

Americans concerned about government spending are anxious to know if the Obama has the ability to guide the nation into a growing job market and fruitful economy. Fortunately, the President claims to have the answer: “I, Barack Obama, will reduce the national debt by simply not assuming the identity of that spoiled, smug, snot-nosed little shit of a corporate robot whose mere laugh frightens children and herds of sheep.” The President then declared, “I think we can all agree that that’s the most comprehensive policy we can have.

“Not to fear, America,” Obama concluded, “If you grant me your vote, I promise you will be in good, non-Romney hands.”