Obama’s Red Line Drawn on Sand Playfully Crossed by Syria

BEIRUT, Lebanon – Speaking earlier today at a press conference in Tel Aviv, President Barack Obama, alongside his Israeli counterpart Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, sent a stern and crystal clear message to the Syrian government over their alleged deployment of chemical weapons against the Syrian National Coalition rebel forces.

“Jesus Christ, Syria! There was only one thing I said not to do, only one metaphorical ‘red line’ that you shouldn’t cross, and that was to use chemical weapons on the rebels,” a visibly frustrated Obama bellowed. “Everything was going perfectly fine, so what happened? You just had to go and break our little trust agreement.”

The president paused for a moment, before grinning. “I really can’t stay mad at you, though, Syria. I know when I tell Sasha or Malia not to do something, they end up doing it anyway, those little scamps,” Obama said with a chuckle.

“I thought we made this pretty clear, so far: unadulterated and unrestricted conventional warfare against helpless throngs of your own people, tearing apart communities, killing men, women, and children alike? There’s nothing we can do. But possibly using chemical weapons? You’re heartless. This will not go unanswered. Maybe. We’ll see.”

In nearby Iraq, tensions were buzzing in the air over whether or not Syria’s government has in fact used a chemical weapon in anger. Most of Iraq’s military has been mobilized to handle the flows of refugees out of the Syrian warzone, a number which has now reached one million people in the early months of 2013.

“The United States has never invaded a country based on false intelligence,” Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said in a supportive statement for its Western ally concerning any potential military action.

“If the Americans say that a country is harboring weapons of mass destruction, surely they have done extensive research and investigation into the issue. I am certain that the American people would never allow a baseless invasion and occupation effort to ever occur.”