Office Environmentalist Ruins Holiday Party with Carbon Footprint Lecture

NEW YORK — Workplace tree-hugger Brenda Johnson “just so completely wrecked” the festive mood at her company office party this week when she detailed the environmental impact of cherished holiday traditions, including wrapping paper, string lights, and Christmas trees.

While the vegan blondies she brought to the event were “significantly less terrible than might be imagined,” Johnson began the evening by wrinkling her nose at a proffered drink and whispering, “is the wine even organic?” reported several coworkers.

Known around the workplace for shaming her colleagues into “going greener” by demanding they perform tasks like washing disposable chopsticks in the break room sink, Johnson held court to a group of increasingly disinterested listeners with “fun facts about holiday waste.”

“It’s not that I’m somehow against the environment,” coworker Lisa Gorski explained. “I mean, I bought those new lightbulbs—I usually even remember to compost. But I’m not about to wrap Christmas presents in special ‘reusable tea towels’ or $17 a roll recycled bamboo soy-ink wrapping paper like she suggested. It’s just not feasible.”

Johnson’s colleague Jamal Martin described the experience as “more tiring” than peruasive. “She kept saying something about how many terawatt hours my family’s string lights take up per year. I’m sure, on some level, she has a really good ponint, but there is just no way in hell I could stand the look on my little girls’ faces if I told them that we don’t get to make our annual winter wonderland happen. No way.”

While atheists have taken the Fox News-generated heat in recent years for generating a “War on Christmas,” environmentalists have primarily flown under the radar as holiday ruiners. But with her nearly heretical views on everything from the Christmas tree to festive home décor, preservationists may be the actual frontrunners in ruining holiday cheer.

After haranguing her colleagues with a series of “green tips,” including an “unusual, at any rate” idea to decorate a tree in a nearby park rather than cutting down a Christmas tree, Johnson left the party via bicycle. In previous years, she has managed to ruin events as diverse as the fourth of July, colleagues’ birthdays, and once even Chinese New Year.