Officer Issues Important Public Drinking Ticket During Nearby Stabbing

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — NYPD Officer Joseph Lombardi was commended by Mayor Bloomberg on Tuesday for his efforts in the ticketing of a group of Brighton Beach locals. The individuals, six men and women all in their twenties, each received a summons for Public Consumption of Alcohol about a hundred yards away from a fatal stabbing that occurred at exactly the same time.

“We’ve had our eyes on these guys for some time,” said Officer Lombardi, gesturing to a bulletin board strewn with pictures of the ticketed twenty-somethings. “I saw them there Tuesday, and, upon seeing a crowd forming elsewhere on the beach, I advanced courageously.” The crowd, of course, was gathering around the scuffle that would lead to the violent stabbing and death of Dr. Tom Rensinger, an orthopedic surgeon at the Mount Sinai Medical Center.

“Officer Lombardi kind of sauntered towards us, hitting his nightstick against his other hand in a weird way,” said Eric Dombrowski, 24, who was issued a ticket and forced to pour out his can of beer. “He told us, very loudly, that we were setting a ‘real [expletive] example for the kids and [expletive].’ And meanwhile, there’s a guy being stabbed like a hundred yards away!”

“We were actually fairly lucky about the timing,” said Police Commissioner Ray Kelly, adding, “Many tickets don’t go down that smoothly.” The Commissioner then continued to reiterate his support for the Broken Windows Theory of law enforcement, which holds that keeping the streets free from prominent signs of petty crime like vandalism and public drinking ensures that citizens are less inclined to consider serious crime as an option.

“Look,” Officer Lombardi said, waving a $25 check one of the ticketed women sent in as the fine, “there are real crimes happening out on these streets! We have to protect and serve.”