WASHINGTON — With the 2013 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) fast approaching, event organizers are anxiously hoping that the correct version of former Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney shows up to speak at their event.
“I’d be lying if I said we weren’t nervous,” said CPAC spokesperson Laura Rigas. “Last year, we got the Severely Conservative Romney, which was great. I think in the catalogue it’s model number MR-13C. But the way they update these things so often, we’re not 100% certain we ordered the right one this time.”
Accidentally ordering the incorrect Romney model has long been a problem in conservative circles, and many pundits credit the self-inflicted confusion with the Romney Line’s loss in the Presidential Election.
“He was in line for a victory until they mistakenly sent the anti-labor model to Wisconsin and the white supremacy model to Nevada on the same weekend,” said conservative pundit and editorial page editor Paul Gigot of The Wall Street Journal. “That killed us.”
Organizers of this year’s CPAC insist that they are ready for whichever model is shipped out from La Jolla, California. “Is it going to suck if they send us one of those liberal ’to the left of Ted Kennedy’ models they used in Massachusetts? Damn straight,” explained Al Cardenas, Chairman of the American Conservative Union, which puts on the event each year. “Still, it’s not a deal breaker. If he starts spouting off pro-choice mumbo-jumbo we’ll sweep him off-stage and shove Palin up there. That’s pretty much why we invited her.”
American Conservative Union executive director Gregg Keller, who served as national coalitions director for Governor Romney’s first presidential campaign in 2008, said not knowing which Romney model will be delivered to the conference only adds to the excitement. “Tickets are going like hot cakes,” said Keller, who has never actually eaten a hot cake. “Everyone’s buzzing about the big Romney reveal. What’s it going to be? Are we going to get a Romney with a big, open tent policy on immigration? An unapologetic, Bible-thumping, Christian-ish Mormon savior? A defense hawk? A no-nonsense businessman who could care less about social issues as long as Wall Street profits? Nobody knows. About the only thing we can be pretty sure of is that he’ll hate poor people.”
Keller then added, “But of course that could be 47% of America, 99% of America, or everybody but himself. The guy’s a total enigma.”