WATERLOO, Ontario — At a recent product launch, Thorsten Heins, CEO of the struggling company Blackberry, unveiled the new Blackberry10 smartphone, which comes equipped with pre-installed apps that beg consumers to purchase the product, then burdens them with crippling addiction.
“Come on – buy me – please!” pleads the new phone. “What do I gotta do? I’ve got the latest everything. Maps. Pics. 4G. If you walk away I get shipped back to China and stripped for parts. You don’t want that – do you?”
The application also comes in a variety of voices, including Jewish grandmother, needy toddler, and Gil from The Simpsons.
Heins explained how the app came to fruition. “It’s really just an extension of our board meetings,” he said. “The more we looked at our projected losses, the more desperate we became. We talked about how we were all basically nice guys with families to feed. [CFO] Dan [Warthenburger] was even contemplating suicide if the company went under. Then it dawned on us – this was our new angle: pity.”
Once purchased, the Blackberry10 automatically activates the ‘CrackBerry’ app, which secretes an invisible but highly habit-forming toxin that permeates the skin, compelling the user to check the device every minute for emails, voicemails, texts, or to play the game Brickbreaker.
Initial results have been promising. “This is just a Hail Mary launch that doesn’t really differentiate itself from other, better devices. I just picked it up to look at it because it sounded so pathetic,” said CNET editor Adam Chisek, his brow frothed with sweat as he continued to frantically use the device. “But damn if I simply cannot put it down now.”
In addition to the current features, Heins also revealed an app is in progress that will disable all iPhones within a three-block radius.