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  • Media

Palin, Bachmann Announce New Reality Show, ‘Riding Lady Liberty’

  • September 23, 2012
  • News Lo
ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Former Vice Presidential candidate and human caricature of misinformation Sarah Palin has confirmed the completion of a new reality show in which she travels across the heart…
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  • Media

Rockstar Games to Release “Grand Theft America” With Goldman Banker As Protagonist

  • September 23, 2012
  • News Lo
Grand-theft-america
NEW YORK — Rockstar Games announced today the next installment in its popular “Grand Theft Auto” series: “Grand Theft America.” The game will put players in control of a Goldman…
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  • Sports

Agent to Make Stephen Strasburg Cryogenically Freeze Right Arm Until Spring Training

  • September 23, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two weeks after the Washington Nationals officially shut down their perfectly healthy ace pitcher in the midst of a pennant race, Stephen Strasburg’s agent Scott Boras and…
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  • New York

“Since When Is Duct-Taping Someone Between Two Mattresses And Throwing Them Off The Roof Considered Hazing?” Says Frat President

  • September 23, 2012
  • News Lo
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — The Syracuse University chapter of Greek fraternity Sigma Chi Beta is deflecting allegations that senior members engaged prospective pledges in excessive hazing, including duct-taping freshman biology major…
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  • Politics

Republicans Claim Conception Begins at First Mojito

  • September 22, 2012
  • News Lo
Mojito-conception
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican members of Congress have issued a new referendum on abortion and birth control, asserting that the conception of a child begins at first Mojito. “When you’re…
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  • Politics

Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

  • September 22, 2012
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an…
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  • New York

NY Lottery Winner Terrorized By Little Smiling Men In Navy Blue Jackets

  • September 22, 2012
  • News Lo
YONKERS, N.Y. –- Linda Harris of Yonkers, NY, has been stalked and terrorized by little smiling men in navy blue jackets after recently winning the New York State Lottery. Harris,…
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  • Sports

Omar Vizquel Insists He Is Still Useful, Contributing MLB Player

  • September 22, 2012
  • News Lo
TORONTO — In an unexpected press conference called by Omar Vizquel himself, the 45-year-old utility infielder tried to convince a room full of reporters he is still a productive member…
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  • Politics

Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

  • September 21, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on…
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  • Politics

Congressional Candidate Deemed Racist After “Black Friend” Refuses to Defend Him

  • September 20, 2012
  • News Lo
BISMARCK, N.D. — North Dakota electoral politics are not known for their sprawling diversity, but race has recently taken a front seat in the state’s lone congressional battle. During a…
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  • Politics

Mitt Romney Does “The Vagina Monologues” in Desperate Attempt to Court Female Vote

  • September 20, 2012
  • News Lo
Mitt-romney-vagina
CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform…
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  • Politics

Politicians Vow to Start Caring for Troops After Next War

  • September 19, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — At a press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced that the administration fully intends to take care of American troops after the nation’s incipient war…
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  • Media

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

  • September 16, 2012
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press…
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