Pakistani Radicals Apologize for Protesting “Innocence of Muslims” Instead of Katherine Heigl Films

KARACHI, Pakistan — “’Innocence of Muslims’ was blasphemous but ’27 Dresses’ is heresy so grave that it makes American homosexuality seem pious,” said a street protestor in Karachi upon being informed that Katherine Heigl was in fact still making movies. “I mean she did not completely ruin ‘Knocked Up’ but everything she has been in afterwards has been atrocious.”

It is unclear how the continued work of the “Life as We Know It” star was largely unknown in the Muslim world until relatively recently, but the news is spreading like wildfire and could ignite another round of protest.

In Islamabad on Monday, a man was stoned while carrying a sign proclaiming the cinematic brilliance of the film “Killers” staring Heigl and Ashton Kutcher. The man’s mother noted how much shame he had brought to the family, and lamented how she would never be able to come to terms with what her son did, “maybe if he broke Ramadan or spied for the Israelis I could eventually come to peace with his decision, but this, I will never be able to forgive him for this.”

The potential violent backlash over freedom of speech is forcing Western nations to seriously debate what speech is protected and what is not. A political science professor at UC-Berkley had this to say, “’Innocence of Muslims’ was an inaccurate, farcical, intentionally inflammatory, highly incendiary piece of xenophobic propaganda. However, it is possible that the film has some merit and therefore should be protected by the first amendment. Sadly ‘One for the Money’ is obviously a shitty film, and I do not think the founding Fathers intended the bill of rights to protect that festering sore of a film.”

The Department of Homeland Security was planning on vamping security at theaters showing Heigl films, but as no one seems to go to them, some inside the department are grumbling about an “unnecessary drain on resources.”