ANCHORAGE, Alaska — In a stunning announcement today, former Half-Term Alaskan Governor and Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin informed Anchorage resident Walter Gibbons that the Spicy Chicken Go Wrap he had ordered would be slightly delayed because of Obamacare and Palin’s need to restock the cheddar cheese.
“She was pretty upset to find the cheddar cheese bin empty,” said Gibbons. “One moment she was sweet and pretty and correctly taking my order, and the next she was raging on her co-worker about how the Socialist Kenyan was taxing the cheese to pay for urban crack baby abortions.”
“I think urban was code for black,” he added unnecessarily.
Palin landed at the popular fast-food franchise on the heels of a reportedly amicable split between herself and FOX News, for whom she had served as a political commentator for the past three years. Asked if the shift in careers meant that Palin would be pulling herself and her family out of the media spotlight which has blazed upon them since Senator John McCain thrust her onto the national scene, he nostrils flared with defiance.
“Heck no! No way! This is about going past the lamesteam media and speaking directly to the people,” she said. “I’ve done the FOX News thing for six years now [actually three. -ed], and I’m pretty sure they’re on the page so I’m free to spread my Mama Grizzly wings wide and talk to Americans.”
Palin announced her split from FOX and her subsequent union with Wendy’s Franchise #4753 on her Facebook page, posting. “We haven’t begun to fight! I’m taking my message to the streets! Specifically the drive-thru at 2927 Seward Highway in Anchorage! Don’t let Obama unleash Sharia law!”
Some in Washington have expressed surprise that the star of the short-lived TLC reality series Sarah Palin’s Alaska would end up behind the counter a Wendy’s, but FOX News Channel President Roger Ailes was not among them. “Sarah’s always been a special talent,” he said. “Though we spent a good deal of money to see if her schtick would translate to cable news, it soon became obvious to all of us that she really needed a gig where she could be face to face with her constituents without having to do any critical thinking. Wendy’s is the perfect fit.”
“I’m proud to join a real American business venture like Wendy’s and use their platform to better spread my message of Real American values.” said Palin. “I believe that all things considered, this was the right price and the right size for me at this point in my career, just like the Jr. Bacon Cheesburger and the Value Soft Drink are the right price and the right size for you on our Right Price, Right Size menu. As we say in Alaska, you want fries with that?”
