Pardoned Turkey Kidnaps, Assaults Two

BALTIMORE  — Police have confirmed that the turkey responsible for robbing and abducting two Maryland motorists on Thanksgiving is, in fact, the same foul ceremonially pardoned by President Barack Obama. The incident, reminiscent of the infamous Willie Horton affair, has shocked the eastern seaboard.

Each year the president ceremonially pardons a turkey at the White House as a light-hearted start to the Thanksgiving holiday. But few could have predicted that the bird selected this year, a male bred and raised at a Perdue Farms agricultural complex In Prince George County, would use his newfound freedom to car-jack and kidnap Gerry Templeton and his fiancée, Sheryl Bates, from a turnpike rest stop.

“It was a nightmare,” said Templeton, wrapped in a police blanket. “He made us get in the trunk of our own car. I thought we were going to die.”

Back in Washington, the tragedy has incited new partisan attacks, with conservatives in Congress alleging the president is soft on crime.

“This is precisely why capital punishment exists,” says Speaker of the House John Boehner. “We must have strict deterrents in place for the crime of being a turkey and stick to those deterrents. If the president had cleared this decision with Congress, we would have been sure to obstruct the pardon like every other policy he proposes. This crisis could have been averted.”

Having indirectly endangered the lives of American citizens, the president appeared somber and apologetic when meeting with the victims’ families this morning.

“I should have known better than to pardon a turkey with a teardrop tattoo and so many priors,” admitted the President. “For that I am deeply sorry.”

But apologies may not be enough to mask the damage done to the president’s reputation. In an op-ed to The Washington Post, American University criminal justice professor Dr. Sandra Giles accuses Obama of reckless pardoning.

“Even the most cursory glance at this bird’s rap-sheet reveals a penchant for violence and deep ties to the Avian Brotherhood,” Dr. Giles says. “If this is any indication of the president’s decision-making on his ceremonial duties, the White House Easter Egg Roll will be a blood-bath.”