Passengers on Carnival Ship Recall Horrific Conditions Before Fire

MOBILE, Ala. — Passengers onboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have finally been towed to safety after days of being stranded, and are more than willing to share their anger and disappointment with the conditions of the cruise prior to its disabling engine fire.

“Technical issues – I get that,” said passenger Susan Christman. “Who could know? But they’ve been feeding us these gross, runny eggs at the breakfast buffet since day one. We all got food poisoning, and there’s literal piles of shit on the deck, which is amazing, because we are in the ocean.”

Other common complaints included the onboard entertainment, including severely overpriced, watered-down alcoholic beverages and televisions with “like, five channels – it’s 2013, hello.”

“They had this awful stand-up guy, and we had to listen to his shit for days on end,” said cruise line veteran Jason Chang. “Thank God the ship stopped moving and we had to eat him for sustenance.”

Even in their cramped, tiny excuses for rooms, passengers experienced motion sickness. When the plumbing system failed after the fire, passengers were actually glad to have an excuse not to use the showers, which reportedly had terrible water pressure and no temperature consistency.

“I took a shit in that shower,” said a furious 72-year-old Julian Neil, before clarifying that he did so “just out of anger – this was before the fire. They didn’t clean my shit or vacuum our crumb-filled carpet, but they did leave us a towel folded up into the shape of an animal.”

Neil said he was unable to identify “what the fuck animal it was supposed to be.”

“I told my wife the people here were going to be trash,” said Dominic Maisano, who boarded Triumph with his family for a vacation gifted to them by his in-laws. “And look at them: trashy as hell. Fat, too.”

Maisano noted that the “staggering amount of morons who chose to shit on the floor, instead of this wide open ocean,” actually improved the smell of the cruise ship.

“Overall, I’d give it two stars,” said Chang. “Easily the second-worst Carnival cruise I’ve been on.”