Pat Robertson Announces Cure for Cancer: Forgive Domestic Abusers

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – Popular televangelist Pat Robertson used his TV program “The 700 Club” today to announce that he has discovered a cure for cancer. The octogenarian pastor said that “holding a grudge is the main cause of cancer,” and assured his viewers that “forgiving people who’ve done you wrong—especially domestic abusers—is the only cure” for the deadly disease.

Robertson’s announcement came during a discussion with a caller to his show. The caller, named Barb, said she was angry with her estranged father, partly because he “abused [her] mom for years.” Barb also explained that her father had not contacted her in years, even while she battled cancer.

Robertson told the caller that the strained relationship with her father “could be the cause of the cancer.” “[There’s] an immune system that will function when you are forgiving,” he advised. “All you have to do it forgive him.”

“Scientists like to talk about dividing cells and radiation exposure,” Robertson continued. “But no surgery or chemo will help you beat cancer until you say to yourself, ‘Hey, just because my dad beat my mom mercilessly doesn’t mean I shouldn’t love him.’”

Although not medically or scientifically trained, Robertson said that he had used a “means of research far more powerful than the so-called ‘scientific method’” to find his cure.

“No microscope or test tube can illuminate the mysteries of world like the Word of God can,” Robertson explained. “I simply closed my eyes, thought real hard about cancer, and Jesus told me how to fix it.”