VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – Televangelist and 700 Club host Pat Robertson, 83, today interrupted a segment of his show dedicated to fielding audience questions to describe the method by which he has remained “straight and AIDS-free” throughout his long preaching career. Robertson—whose show reaches nearly 1 million viewers a day—said that, since 1969, he’s been wearing an “anti-sodomite” necklace, which, according to Robertson, “repels homosexuals and other queers, and keeps [him] free of their abhorrent lifestyles and gay diseases.”
“With all the gayness poisoning our great nation these days, you might think it’s only by God’s grace that I have managed to remain straight and healthy through it all,” Robertson told his viewers. “But, for once, this was no miracle—I have only my gay-repelling necklace to thank, which has kept all sexual degenerates at least 20 feet away from me for the last 44 years, ever since the stonewall riots convinced me the gays were coming for my heterosexuality.”
Robertson neglected to fully explain the necklace’s powers, revealing only that “it involves hyper-masculine materials, such as moose semen and barbed wire,” but said that he is finally ready to share it with the world. “For only ten easy payments of $59.99, you too can protect yourself from fancy-boy, disease spreading homosexuals,” Robertson said. 700 Club producers expect sales of the necklace to generate substantial funds for the show, which netted over $400 million in donations in 2005 alone.
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Robertson’s unveiling came as a response to inquiries concerning comments he made on his show earlier this week. On Tuesday, Robertson used a portion of his show to claim that American homosexuals in cities like San Francisco are intentionally spreading AIDS via “specials rings” that “cut your finger” during handshakes and thereby infect you with the deadly HIV virus. “Really,” the host said. “It’s that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.”
“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”