Televangelist and “700 Club” host Pat Robertson recently interrupted a segment of his show dedicated to fielding audience questions to describe the method by which he has remained “straight and AIDS-free” throughout his long preaching career. Robertson – whose show reaches nearly 1 million viewers daily – said that, since 1969, he’s been wearing an “anti-sodomite necklace,” which, according to Robertson, “repels homosexuals and other queers, and keeps [him] free of their abhorrent lifestyles and gay diseases.”
The conservative host then stated that the necklace is “only part” of his gay-repelling arsenal, and added that technology has advanced to a point where “virtually anything can be made, with any kind of features and for any kind of purpose, if you just have enough willpower to do it.” “And I, along with millions of conservative Americans out there, have for many years had a burning urge to protect myself from this gruesome Devil’s infection,” he said.
“Let me once again emphasize that homosexuals are the scourge of the Earth and that we must rid ourselves of them by any means necessary,” Robertson repeated the same old claim. “Gayism is the single greatest threat to today’s generations, and therefore, normal people must be protected from it. And when one considers the fact that the male brain is hardwired into seeking a sexual mate almost 100 percent of the time it spends awake, it becomes easy to understand what it is that the Devil found so appealing when he was searching for another way to corrupt mankind. He saw an opportunity to trick men into loving other men and he took it.”
The host continued, “But I have found a way to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I mentioned earlier that the anti-gay necklace is just part of my arsenal. Well, the time has come to unveil one of my favorite inventions: the male anti-gay chastity belt, which I’ve designed specifically to protect straight men from being seduced by homosexuals on the lookout for fresh meat, so to speak. And the reason for that is simple: when you have plenty of men working together in an environment, sooner or later that urge to seek out a female for reproduction is going to go into overdrive, and since there won’t be any females around (courtesy of the Devil’s handywork), the ones who’ll get preyed on are straight, innocent males.”
“Long story short, that’s how straight males get infected and turned into gays, or should I say, abominations. And that’s the group of endangered males that my chastity belt, which I’ve decided to market as the only gay-proof way of protecting one’s integrity and, coincidentally, orifices, is intended for,” Robertson revealed. “My belt will keep men pure and safe, and it will act preventively by constantly reminding the wearer that they will have to go through a 6-digit security code, fingerprint scan and iris recognition technology prior to performing even the simplest of daily tasks, such as using the bathroom.”
“And if that’s what the wearer will have to tackle just to take a leak, then you better believe that no unwanted extremities are ever going to wiggle their way past it, if you catch my drift. And I’ve even decided to market my product to state penitentiaries throughout the country, as the rate of straight-to-gay conversion is the highest in these institutions, which further proves my theory about all-male environments. If something I’ve created can help lower the number of newly-formed gays in correctional facilities throughout the country, I’ll be the happiest man alive,” the televangelist host concluded.