SAVANNAH, Ga.— Disgraced Queen of Southern Cuisine Paula Deen is hoping this week’s news cycle will pick up exponentially, and is already saying a prayer of thanks that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has chosen this exact moment to flee to Moscow and seek asylum in a friendly country, knocking her exploits of using the ‘N-word’ and plans for a plantation-themed wedding right off the front pages.
“Honestly, it would have been great if he had made his move a week ago” said Deen, wistfully thinking what could have been had the lawsuit alleging that she used inappropriate language and showed pornographic films in the workplace years ago been buried by hard news. “But I guess beggars can’t be choosers.”
After issuing a stilted YouTube apology for her actions on Friday before being fired by Food Network, Deen is also holding out hope that members of the African-American community would show her some compassion. “I’ve always wanted my food to be enjoyed by people of all races, creeds, and sexual orientation. And it’s been overwhelming to hear all the support I’ve gotten from my fans – of all colors – over the last few days. In particular I want to thank President Barack Obama for scheduling a major policy speech on climate change for Tuesday. Hopefully the media can stay distracted until then”
“And if Nelson Mandela could be a peach and die” she added. “That would be swell.”
To her fans flooding the Food Network Facebook page with protests, and lining up to patronize her many restaurants, she urged restraint. “Let’s all take a deep breath and let this blow over” said the Julia Childs of Type II Diabetes. “Then I can get back to making the down home delicacies y’all love without worrying that some carpetbagger is going to Jew me out of a job. Wait – none of y’all are recording this, right?”
As of press time, Deen was going through her cookbook, making a note to stay away from recipes that call for a ‘jigger’ of anything.
