Pentagon Convinced Pending $2.7 Billion Weapons Sale to Iraq Can Only End Well

WASHINGTON — A recent report noted that the Pentagon plans to sell $2.7 billion in weapons to Iraq, further proof that the U.S. has completely and utterly failed to learn anything about the volatile region since withdrawing combat troops in December of 2011.

“We freed them from Saddam’s tyranny, so they’re all our friends now,” announced Pentagon spokesman George Little. “We know from past experience that once a country goes Democratic, they become a stable force for good and are a safe bet to handle billions of dollars of weapons in a secure manner. ”

But the facts suggest otherwise. Iraqi sectarian violence is the worst since 2006, the death toll in July reached its highest level since 2008, and the number of attacks on recreational areas – including cafes and playgrounds – has also risen to unprecedented levels.

”As we understand things, the region is doing well. Unless you count Syria, Egypt, and Lebanon, of course,” added Little.

The sale, which has yet to become official, would include 681 Stinger anti-aircraft missiles, 40 truck-mounted launchers, and 216 Hawk missiles in order to support an Iraqi no-fly zone and to cut off the transport of Iranian supplies to Syria via air space.

“We need to prop up our allies,” said Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) “Iraq is now one of the good guys, just like they were back when they were fighting Iran in the 80s. We helped them then, and we need to help them now.”

“I’m sure that if they choose to turn evil at some point in the future, they’ll have the decency to give us back all our military hardware first. After all, that’s just common sense.”