Pentagon Lists Guantanamo Prison as ‘Fixer-Upper’ on Craigslist

GUANTANAMO BAY NAVAL BASE, Cuba — President Obama has been trying to shut it down since his first week in office. Prisoners have waged hunger strikes and even committed suicide to protest the living conditions within it. Finally, the Pentagon and Congress have relented, agreeing that it would be best to sell off the detention camp at Guantanamo Bay and “let someone else deal with it.”

Stephen Dillard, assistant to the secretary of defense for classified listings, declared Guantanamo facilities a “complete and utter money trap.” According to Dillard, Congress refused to “throw good money after bad” and fund the $195.7 million request by the United States Southern Command to refurbish the deteriorating facilities.

Southcom spokesman Col. Timothy Lyons indicated that the money had been “intended, amongst other things, to build new barracks and a mess hall, consolidate scattered facilities, treat areas for termites, and dig up that old tree stump on the property line that the neighbors are always complaining about.”

The facilities were never meant to be permanent when they were built over a decade ago, and now many are barely usable. However, these major deficiencies largely are obscured in the Craigslist advertisement the Pentagon has posted for the camp:

600+ unit/Detention Camp with Bay View – Fixer-Upper – TLC needed
Sold as-is. Detainees included. May need repairs and repatriation.
$800,000+ per year, per prisoner—a real steal!!

According to Defense Department officials, no sovereign nation has yet expressed interest in the property. Nevertheless, they are relying on the significant cost savings a deal would assure, as the Defense Department has already allocated $10.3 million to repair damage from Hurricane Sandy to the nearby marina, beaches, and recreational dive park used by U.S. military personnel.

Lionel Tomlinson, a defense attorney for several of the detainees, indicated that his clients were distressed by the Pentagon’s plans. “My clients just want to have their day in court or be set free. They’ve already had a taste of what a waterslide is like in GTMO and, frankly, want nothing to do with the dive park.”