It is common knowledge that Fox News is super-paranoid about transgender people. So when author Elizabeth Mitchell posited the theory that French sculptor Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi may have modeled Lady Liberty on his brother instead of his mother, host Peter Doocy freaked out about it. “Is Lady Liberty actually a man?” Doocy asked before showing a part of the Discovery Family Channel program that suggests the possibility.
“I mean, we’re got a real situation here,” he argued. “This is one of the symbols that represent our country in the world. This is something we’re famous for. This is the gateway to America. When our ancestors came to this country, the Statue of Liberty was the first thing they saw, even back in the 1700s. And all this time we’ve been admiring a gay person? Seriously? How cruel do you have to be to choose this as a way to make your sexual deviance known? I mean, I’ve heard of coming out of the closet, but this means Lady Liberty has been out for centuries now. Or wait, maybe we need to call it Mr. Liberty?”
The Fox News host then turned to blasting away at the French, who are in mourning after a terrorist attack in Nice, which resulted in 84 lives lost when an armed man drove a truck through the crowd for a mile on Bastille Day. “And I’m looking at what happened in Nice Thursday night, and I’m thinking, this must have been God’s work,” Doocy opined. “Because, even if the terrorist was Muslim, he was probably sent by Christ. And you know why I believe that? Because God loves traditional, Christian Americans. But He doesn’t like it when you set them up by giving them a statue of a gay person to celebrate their independence.”
“I mean, I’m certainly not without sin, but I believe in God,” Doocy added. “That’s why I’m able to wake up every morning knowing that each day I breathe is going to be a good day. But I would never do something like this. I’m not talking about the Nice terrorist attack, I’m taking about the gay Lady Liberty. And it’s after this sort of news that I ask myself again – how come everybody’s surprised we hate the French so much? I mean, they gave us this abomination of a national landmark after we’ve done so much for them. We saved their asses in World War II, we provide a market for their makeup companies, we buy their croissants, heck, we’ve single-handedly been boosting their economy for ages.”
“And this is the thanks we get? You know something – I’m sad for the people who got killed in this attack, because they were probably innocent. But I’m glad God decided to punish them for such a low blow with the whole Statue of Liberty business,” the Fox News host opined. “In fact, I’m going to start a petition to drill a massive hole in the area of the Statue’s crotch. I want us to know once and for all if there’s a penis hiding under there or not.”
“If I’m wrong, I’ll apologize publically, that’s fine. But if I’m right and there is one, a) it’s probably going to be miniature, because that’s how the French all have ‘em, and b) I’m going to ask that it be cut off. After all, can you imagine a better headline than ‘Statue of Liberty Undergoes Sex Change Operation?’ Honestly, this is my best idea yet. I need to be given a raise and a promotion, I’m going to make my bosses even richer than they already are,” Doocy concluded.