LOS ANGELES – After firing Head Coach Mike Brown after a dismal 1-4 start, Lakers owner Jerry Buss and team executives scrambled to find Phil Jackson, who led the team to five NBA titles during his tenure. Found meditating deep in the middle of Joshua Tree National Park, Jackson told team executives that he is willing to negotiate a contract—on certain conditions.

Realizing how badly the Lakers need his coaching abilities, Jackson has reportedly made some lofty demands. Jackson asked for a greater voice in all club decisions, in addition to travel restrictions that would allow him to opt out of road games.

After becoming bored with a lengthy negotiation meeting, Jackson decided to liven things up and have some personal fun. He suggested a game of “11-ring pickup,” and threw his championship rings across the room. Laker executives didn’t think he was serious, to which Jackson responded, “Well, I guess it’s back to the Joshua Tree for me.” The Lakers staff immediately got on their hand and knees to pick up the scattered rings.

Jackson’s reign of terror continued when he demanded general manager Mitch Kupchak put on a Clippers shirt and yell “I’m and awful GM and I wish I had Chris Paul!” out a Staples Center window.

One Lakers staff member who attended the meeting explained, “It was pretty rough for the Buss’s, but they have to play his game. Even if it means having to call Pat Riley and telling him he’s nothing compared to the Zen Master.”

Meanwhile, former Suns and Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni has been a tenacious job applicant. “I’ve persistently emailed the Lakers my resume and cover letter,” said D’Antoni. “I’ve visited the Staples Center to try to talk with Mr. Buss in-person, but the best I’ve been able to do is talk with a Lakers HR intern. I don’t get it. It really is such a tough job market out there.”