Phil Robertson Offers To Baptize Both Candidates On Debate Night “So That People See Which One God Favors”

In a speech to the Values Voter Summit on Saturday, reality TV star Phil Robertson recounted a meeting with Donald Trump in which he told the GOP presidential nominee that he would baptize him on camera to get “God on our side.” “If you really want to see something wild, film it, Donald, film me baptizing you,” the Duck Dynasty patriarch recalled telling Trump. “The left-wingers will literally go crazy and the evangelicals will swarm you like a mighty thrall because then we would know we have God on our side.”

Robertson then revealed that he had a similar idea for the upcoming presidential debate scheduled for Monday night: “And then I thought, since he still hasn’t come around to the idea, I thought I might expand on that and make it bigger and better. Because, that’s how we do it over at the Duck Dynasty; we either go all the way or not at all.” He also added that this time, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton should be included in the program in some form; a notion that the Robertson patriarch described with the words, “we can find her something to do, as long as it doesn’t involve any emails,” causing laughter.

“In all seriousness,” he continued, “I really think we should organize a dual-baptism right there, on-stage. They should take care of the debate first, handle their business and follow protocol, and after that’s all done, we ought to bring out a huge portable pool filled with holy water and I can come out on stage and perform the baptism right there. That way, all of America can see which one of them is favored by God to become the next president. Here’s a hint – it’s the guy with the sh*t load of money.”

“Because, people nowadays, I don’t know whether it’s something in the food, or the air or whatever, but people nowadays seem to have trouble with figuring that out on their own,” Robertson added. “And I don’t mind demonstrating God’s will whenever and wherever that’s needed. At the end of the day, we can even donate some of the proceeds from the TV ratings to the charity of Donald Trump’s choice.” When someone from the crowd asked what if Trump decides to donate the money to one of his own organizations, Robertson replied, “I will just consider that I have just baptized the real Donald Trump, and not some liberal imposter.”

The same voice asked again, “And if Hillary wins and decides to give the money to the Clinton Foundation?” “Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe I said ‘charity,’ not ‘organization that accepts lobby money from terrorist rag heads,’” Robertson replied rather seriously. “But, if that happens, I’ll gladly offer up the money for Clinton’s hospital bills, I think that’s charity enough. But it won’t happen, because God will look down on Donald Trump and show Americans why he’s worthy of the presidency. And by the way, on a completely unrelated note – anybody know where I can get pool size-worth of holy water and an open-minded priest?”