Pissed Connections: Getting Paid vs. Getting Laid

Dear Pissed Connections,

Hi! I wrote to you before. Hot and Horny? Do you remember? I couldn’t get my boyfriend to have sex me? It was a whole thing? Anyway, wanted you to know your advice was excellent and the situation has been sorted out. We’ve gotten down and dirty several times now.

I’m writing to you because yet another problem has surfaced. We’re over the humping hump, but now our schedules don’t match at all. I’m a student and my classes go until 9 pm. When I’m not in class I have work until 1 am, plus I work weekends. My boyfriend just graduated and is transitioning into the “working man” 9 to 5 routine. There’s hardly any time for our naughty fun!

Once-a-week boinking is better than nothing, but I always thought the whole point of a monogamous relationship was guaranteed sex on a daily basis. How do I solve this?!

Your most loyal reader,

Dear Screwed,

Nice to hear from you again! Glad you’ve been getting some P in the V action, even if it’s less frequent than you’d hope.

Incompatible schedules is the #2 top reason relationships fail – #1 being unexpected pregnancies. So – be happy you don’t have a bun in the oven, cause then you’d really be up shit’s creek!

Okay, you have a couple options with this guy.

1. Drop out of school.

What are you studying anyways? Probably something boring. If this man candy of yours has a 9 to 5 job, you’re set for life! Stop hitting the books and start hitting the sack. Wait around for him all day cleaning, and then when he’s finished with a long day of work, give him something to look forward to.

That’s right – make him a sandwich!

And then have sex with him.

2. Encourage him to quit his job and take on a part-time gig at IHOP.

This scenario is win-win-win for everyone. If your dude takes on a job with fewer hours, he can accommodate your busy schedule – and you don’t even have to drop out of school! Plus, you will get free pancakes all the time. That’s probably the best part.

And the sex.

But mostly the pancakes.

Please Note: Maple syrup should be used as a lubricant only as a last resort.

3. Don’t sleep.

Haven’t thought of this option, have you? Thank goodness you have my sexpertise. Here’s the deal: I get you have class often and work a lot. But if you really value sex, ditch the zzz’s and catch some oooOOOoo—oooOO-OOO’s!!!!! You’ll look and feel like shit ALL the time, but that’s not my problem!

So Screwy-Suey, that’s what I’ve got for you. Hope it helps!

Pissed Connections

Is stalking your crush sending her mixed signals? I’ve got you covered. (Hint: hide in her trash!) For advice on dating, mating and ex-boyfriend berating, send an email to [email protected]