Politicians Vow to Start Caring for Troops After Next War

WASHINGTON — At a press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced that the administration fully intends to take care of American troops after the nation’s incipient war with Iran.

“Now listen, the American people have always looked out for their servicemen and women when they return home from battle,” said Obama, breaking into a chuckle. “I almost got through that with a straight face.”

Obama’s professed commitment to the troops is reminiscent of similar proclamations made by the Bush (41), Clinton, and W. Bush administrations of past. But with poverty, unemployment, and mental illness rates for service-members at an all-time high, follow-through seems to be lacking.

“In theory, we will do whatever it takes to provide top-notch medical and psychological care for those who return from the next war,” assured the President. “As it is now, a serviceman ends his life once every 80 minutes in this country. With your help, we can make that every 85, maybe 90 minutes,” he continued, to thunderous applause.

In a show of bi-partisan support, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney pledged to continue mentioning the troops in his stump speeches, while also intending to cut veterans’ benefits as part of his deficit-reduction plan. “I will pay whatever lip-service to the troops it takes to seem strong yet sympathetic to American voters,” Romney pledged at a rally in Wisconsin. “I will not take lightly the decision to send your children to war before completely ignoring them until the next election cycle.”

Republicans in Congress are also looking out for our men and women in uniform. “We can’t ever repay the invaluable sacrifice these soldiers have made,” said Rand Paul (R-KY), who recently filibustered a measure to create a jobs program for veterans. “So why even try?”

And Paul is not alone in his commitment to defend our troops from government handouts. “The members of our armed forces truly are exceptional people,” justified Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK). “So it shouldn’t surprise us that they are homeless and suicidal at exceptionally high rates. They really don’t do anything halfway, do they? Hoo-rah!”

Economists predict that in the coming months, the sale of yellow ribbons will be only slightly outpaced by the rise in PTSD diagnoses.