WASHINGTON — According to a new Gallup poll, over half of all Americans believe that God the Almighty sent Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to Earth in order to test the nation’s stupidity. Fifty-six percent of those polled said it was “likely” or “certain” that the Lord is “watching closely” to see how many ridiculous, idiotic statements Bachmann can make—and, more importantly, how many Americans blindly swallow them—and will eventually decide America’s fate accordingly.
“Michele Bachmann says a lot of dimwitted, moronic things, and many seem to believe that this is the most likely explanation,” Jack Hoffman, a researcher who conducted the poll, told Newslo. “Every time Bachmann says something so ludicrous it makes you wonder if she’s in the middle of having a stroke, it’s actually God, using her like a barometer to test the extent of American stupidity.”
Andrea Barrett, one of the poll’s respondents, said she can’t think of any other explanation for Bachmann’s frequent “gaffs.” “I mean, one time she said that the HPV vaccine probably caused mental retardation because a woman in a parking lot told her so. Yeah, someone in this equation is pretty retarded, but I don’t think its vaccine recipients.”
The poll results, released over the weekend, indicate that many Americans believe that God will soon determine whether or not the United States deserves His omnipotent wrath—but before He makes that decision, the eternal being wants to find out just how stupid its citizens are.
According to Hoffman, many Americans believe God is testing their intelligence when they’re forced to hear Bachmann say dipshit things like, “And what a bizarre time we’re in… when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the Pledge of Allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”
“For instance,” he said. “Just a few days ago, Bachmann publicly suggested that tragic events like the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001, and the more recent attack on the US embassy in Benghazi, Libya, were God’s ‘judgment,’ implying that the nation somehow deserved what it got for not more closely adhering to the Christian cosmology that she herself avows. Obviously, that’s ridiculous, offensive and bat-shit insane. But maybe God just wants to see how many Americans will buy such an obvious crock of shit just because a person with power says it.”
Rep. Bachmann was unavailable for comment on the poll, but an aide, speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of losing his job, told Newslo that he doesn’t agree with the majority of the poll’s respondents. “If God is speaking through this woman, then God is one sick puppy, and you can sign me up for the Devil’s team.”